aLexZiipiiT

Keeps Gettin' Better

How Can I Ask You Not To Walk Away If You Already Did…?

January 28, 2010 at 6:48 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

This past weeks almost killed me, I got sick and had a lot of pressure because of some tests that I cannot fail, on top of that was the wrong wrong wrong thing that I started to drain my mind just thinking about Oscar and the past…

I hate the fact that I tell myself to just forget him and move on but at some point I just go back to the point of breaking down so easily!

Yesterday I stayed home most of the day and for some reason I decided to clean up my room and while doing that, I found this print of Oscar’s hand that he made for me with white glue and also, I found stuff that I just never gave him for a reason or another, a letter, a little draw, a 3-D dog made with cardboard etc…

I started reading the letter and teardrops came out of my eyes because of everything I wrote, I wrote stuff that I would not be able to tell him at this point and it was just hard to remember all the things that happened between us…the things that were not supposed to happen, the bad things..

I feel totally lost without his smile… Everytime I remember him it’s so weird because we were so perfect together..  everything just shattered in like 2 seconds and after that, he forgot about me in like 5 seconds.. that was hurtful..

Why is it so hard for me to move on? why do I keep going back to the point of missing him and feel like Im not enough for him?


I remember one comment he left here in my blog saying he would never leave me… how sad… Im breaking down.

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One Year Ago [When I Found You]

January 20, 2010 at 6:25 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

One year ago…

One year ago I met this amazing guy named Oscar… Yes, it’s been one year.

Since then, I fell in love and things never worked out.. it’s really sad that two months ago I had to walk away, I walked away because I was going nowhere, everything I tried never worked.. everything I said never counted.. and the person that I knew, was no longer there, the person on the other side was starting to lie thinking of no one but himself.. I couldn’t keep things that way, I was left out with no chance to go back in so the right thing was to keep my feelings in a box in the back of my heart to be able to keep going my way.

I walked away knowing he still had some feelings for me… now I wonder if he ever thinks of me because he seems so careless..

Two months after, I still remember our good moments and smile.. I guess it was too good to be true.

Someday I will stop loving you… and you will know it because the grass will turn blue.

I ♥ U

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2009 Is Almost Over And I Couldn’t Be Happier

December 14, 2009 at 2:22 PM · Filed under Just Sayin', Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

2009 was a year of changes, I really got a little bit more mature, I see things from a different perspective, I get to do what I have to do, I know Im a lot more responsible and Im sure that it’s something good.

I learned lots of thing from different people from around the globe and some people learned some things from me because when I can help, I do it and it feels good to know that you helped someone with whatever, maybe I helped someone making him smile for a little bit when they were down and that makes me feel good, it makes my day.

Its actually weird to say that I made someone smile when I cried rivers this year, I met someone who was really important in my life and to date, he is the one I’ve loved the most in my whole life but now I know that sometimes, love is not enough, and you cant really give your life to someone who is not interested in you, you can wait centuries but if you’re the only one who is giving, then waiting centuries will only be a waste of time. It happened to me, I gave my all to someone that wasn’t interested, to someone who was making me get my hopes on to then just step on them and say “Oh, sorry I never thought it would hurt you”

I was like a puppet… Somedays he would say something cute and the puppet would smile but if then the next day he would pick another puppet and then I would cry. It was hard and to be honest I knew it wasn’t right to keep living that way but I really loved him and my feelings kept me there until I just couldn’t keep in everything I had inside and I exploded so I decided to walk away, I tried to walk away twice this year and both attempts failed because I didn’t wanted to do it, I was being kind of influenced to do it but the third time, when I exploded I just did it, I did it for myself, without crying, without drama I just told myself to do it and now Im moving on, slowly but Im doing it with the help of my friends and with myself knowing that it’s the best thing to do because you can love someone but if you give all your love to that person and stop loving you, then it’s wrong and I know it for sure.

Besides of that, this year I “came out” to my parents and they were OK with it, It feels great to no be like keeping it inside you because I know my dad is not the happiest potato with it but he accepts it and thats cool.

So even though this year had lots of bad choices and more downs than ups, now, weeks before the end of the year, I feel ready to live new experiences and to just live my life my way, everyone else can Fk off if they don’t like the way I live it.

Thinking about it, 2009 was not bad, I don’t regret anything because even though maybe I wont love again like I loved Oscar I keep for myself a proof that I do know how to really love someone, I learned that reading the book before watching the movie is more interesting and more exciting, I learned that you don’t have to know someone for years to consider him or her an important friend in your life, I learned tons of things this year (Including maths) and I really want to thank everyone who is around me. My friends, my family, my dogs, my teachers, my icons, music, everything made a huge change in me this year and Im thankful for that! I couldn’t be ending this year happier or more excited to see what’s next and all the adventures Im going to be living!

Learn to love and love with all your heart but also keep in mind that sometimes, you gotta leave behind…

—–

Special Thanks:

Billy (My bitch! I Love you like nothing else! we gotta keep getting thinner!)

Milly (Love you too! Thanks to Billy I knew you and you are great! nothing like going to unexpected places with you!)

Diego (Yeyito! Even thought I just met you some weeks ago, you’ve turned into a very close friend for me, thanks for calling me lots of times to only ask how I was. You are great and deserve the best! Love You!)

MaiiKy (I dont know you in person but you are one of the most amazing persons I’ve ever met! Someday we gotta go to Starbucks together! Love U!)

Gaby (Thank you for everything!! Love U BFF!)

Mom (Thanks for making the best food ever! and thanks for never letting me down)

Dad (Thanks for everything you give me and taught me)

Oscar (Thank you for making me feel the most special person in the world when we were together, I will never forget you. I wish you the best.)

—–

Thank you for reading this, I wish you all the best Christmas and the best 2010 I hope you reach all your goals and please people…DONT let anybody stop you!!

-Alex (@aLexZiipiiT)

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3 Weeks

October 22, 2009 at 8:25 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,

“..My Heaven Is With You..”


Exactly 3 weeks ago I had no idea of what I wanted anymore; I was lost in confusion.
I had no idea if what I was feeling for Oscar was actually love… at some point I even thought that
I was only obsessed with him but not in love anymore.

Just 4 days later, I was decided to invite Oscar out to eat after 4 months of knowing barely something about him,
that day, I got a call from someone unknown demanding me to stop talking to Oscar it wasn’t a nice call, they threatened me!
but whatever, thats not the point of this.

So that day, I invited him and he said yes… I was soooo nervous and excited at the same time because I had no idea what to expect; In 3 days I was going to see him again and to be honest, I was expecting the worst to happen, I even said to myself that if he acted careless, I was going to leave him live his life and just get a new start for me…

2 weeks ago I saw him for the first time in 4 months…

It was… the best day since the last time I saw him back on June; I just couldn’t believe that in person, we were as close as I remember and that day, made me realize that I really really love him, he’s not an obsession. I feel complete when Im with him, I cannot ask for more if Im with him, I don’t need to pretend that Im alright because when Im with him all my problems and all my pain, fade away.

I know that he can love me, at this moment, as far as I know he does not feel anything for me beyond friends love but I know he can love me… I know how happy we could be together.. and, if once I was perfect for him, I know Im still perfect for him, I just have to show him…(Something that is hard because there are tons of stuff that really hurt me..) If he could only open his heart for me a little bit more…

“..Until You See We’re Meant To Be I’ll Just Follow You Wherever You Go!..”



–Short post but I want to keep for me all the amazing things he made me feel that day.–


Thank U For Reading

-Alex

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Here We Go Again…

August 31, 2009 at 8:49 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Life is playing with me a lot lately…

Like 2 weeks ago a guy asked me if I wanted  to be his BF and I said “Give Me Time”… I said that because I was not ready to give my heart to anyone but Oscar and this guy told me “Ok, I’ll give you time but only if you promise me that you will stop talking with Oscar, because that’s the only way you would forget him” 

When he told me that, I was shocked, I only knew I was not getting rid of Oscar… So I told him I was not doing that and he got mad and told me “Think about it. Because I love you and that **** is just playing with you, open your eyes!” 

“Open Your Eyes” How many times do I hear that per week? tons…

The next day that all that happened I talked with Oscar and I told him what was going on and he told me to take a chance with Luis, he told me that maybe he (Luis) could give me all the love that he cannot give me. He told me “Take a chance with him. Do it for me”… we then started to talk about us…I asked him if he still wanted to be with me & if he still had feelings for me and to that, he answered that he was not able to answer that because he would feel bad with himself & the other guy (his BF) deserves some respect.

He wanted to know what I was going to do and he also told me that I wouldn’t be the first guy to get away from him to feel better. When I read that, that Im not the first guy to get away from him to feel better, I felt that my world was crumbling…”Is he some kind of online whore telling everyone cute stuff ?” I asked myself but that got off my mind in literally seconds.

Anyways we started to fight as usual, I asked him about the day we kissed and he told me… When that happened, I was already dating or about to date someone else, and you took it as a proof that I loved you not as something that just happened.

He started to break my heart in tiny pieces by telling me that he never loved me or anything… then, from one moment to another he was gone and I said “Ok…Thank you for your love..”  I felt a silence like never before, I felt like when someone from your family dies, that you cannot say anything…I felt some kind of peace in me, I was ready to move on and to tell Luis that it was done, that Oscar and I were no longer friends or anything but before doing that I had to tell everyone that Oscar and I got trough. Obviously most of my friends didn’t believe me but I was about to prove it I had to show the world that I could do it.

The next day (Friday) I woke up feeling amazing! I was dancing on the street and on the bus, everywhere! Guys were staring at me again…It was fabulous! 

On monday, I started to miss Oscar a little bit, but I was not going to fall again, so I didn’t talk with him or anything I just saw his MSN nickname and it kinda got in my brain because it felt like he and his BF were not ok and on tuesday he asked me if we could be friends, there was no way to say no, I told him “Yes, we can” and it ended there, I don’t know what happened but the love I feel for him appeared on me again and now, Luis no longer talks to me, my friends make fun of me reminding me what I told them days ago that Oscar and I were nothing..not even friends.


The thing is… Oscar and his BF broke up and he never told me anything about it, now they’re back together and I really really doubt that if they break up, he would tell me or give me a chance, Im scared that maybe he now have someone else in mind and not me, I have a lot of doubts running around my mind… Im really scared of what’s next, He is no longer treating me like before, I feel like he is getting really into himself and not caring about anything else… I kind of feel that he starts to lie at some moments and he was not like that…  I don’t wanna crumble again, I don’t wanna see him from far away with another boyfriend.
I wish he could answer that straight… 

So here we go again, back to the life I had 3 weeks ago, expecting something from him that maybe is just based on an image I had of him…

OSCAR I LOVE YOU JUST LIKE THE FIRST TIME I KNEW IT.


Thanks For Reading.
-Alex

 

 

 

[For Oscar: Are U Ever Gonna Love Me As Something More Than Friends?]

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Something You Don’t Care About

August 17, 2009 at 5:27 PM · Filed under Just Sayin', Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Instability, Sadness, Pain and Bitterness

They are synonymous of the present and memories of the past

Infinity of times I feel Im able to touch the sky

But I fall to the ground remembering that it’s only another dream in my mind.

Deep inside me, it feels how close I have you

But the way you act with me and the reason, makes me see the reality.

I don’t know when I will have you just for me

Im not even sure if I will ever have you

Or if I have you or if I ever had you.

What Im sure of, is that my love for you will never end

My love for you will survive no matter how mistreated and insecure  it gets.

You are able to resort to the appearances 

You are able to reject and to deny the feeling that keeps us together

But you know that it will always come up

The light that illuminates our hearts, will always excel

Not mattering how dark our bond gets

You know that I will always love you just like the first time that I left this feeling get inside me

You also know that you will love me even though our destinies insist in taking different ways.

If at some point I don’t exist anymore

If for some reason my eyes close preventing me to stare at your beautiful eyes

If for some reason my body stops producing heat

And my soul takes it’s last breath of life, don’t be scared and don’t decay!

Because my love for you will live in the air and in your mind for the rest of the centuries.

Just by remembering me as the person who loved you with no condition

Without any interest but to receive the same amount of affection and love

That I gave you day after day without you getting noticed.

I know you got involved so much in your life and your eagerness

I know that for a moment you forgot me

But knowing that you were well, made me immensely happy.

Although I always wished some caress

A kiss or at least an amiable gesture of your part

Believe me that only by listening to your voice in some little phone call

It reminded me with joy, the love I feel for you.

I know that deep inside you, you want to be with me

But maybe you are so blinded by your new ego that you don’t want to recognize it.

Anyways I know for sure that you will always be in my life

As the greatest, most valuable and amazing person.

Perhaps you will never understand it.

-Alex


Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it.

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How Can I Turn Off My Heart?

August 10, 2009 at 5:48 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , ,

5 Minutes ago I was crying..crying to see that I can’t have the guy I love with all my heart!
I dont know why Im stuck with him..I love him even though he hurts me. He hurts me everyday..wherever..He just can’t see it..because while he laughs and enjoys life with that guy, Im alone, dreaming that he’s gonna call me or text me to tell me that he loves me…

I feel so bad right now and does he care? The answer is no.

Thanks For Reading
-Alex

[Posted From iPod]

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Rain Makes Me Think…

August 9, 2009 at 5:13 PM · Filed under Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,

Have you ever been alone in your house, with the lights off and the sound of the rain pouring???

Well if not, you should try that…it really makes you thing about all the things that maybe you left in a box deep in your mind.

I’ve been really sentimental this past 3 days…I get to feel like all kinds of things in so little time that sometimes, I cant even enjoy them.
I turned 18 years old this week..on monday.. and since that day, I changed a lot of things again…I got back all the illusions and feelings for Oscar, I now see things a little bit more serious than before.
I know it sounds kinda stupid when I say that I turned 18 and in the blink of an eye I changed…And Im sure it’s not like that, Im sure I didn’t change but I feel like that.

I do changed with Oscar, because I realized that if I really want him, I cant treat him like someone else in the world.
I decided to give it another shot.
I love him and I still believe something, someday will happen. In the meantime I’ll keep being myself with him.

I dont know how to explain everything I feel because I dont know in what order to do it..so I thought that maybe if I answer to questions, it may be easier so, I’ll do it that way.

- How is your life at this moment?
My life in this moment is pretty unstable, I go from super happy to super sad and depressed in no time, I feel like I have nothing to be ashamed of but I feel that a lot of things are against me. I think Im a little bit confused of what I want and what is going on.
If you look inside my mind I think it’s all blurry in there…Im not seeing things clear. 

-Why did you go back to Oscar?
Actually…I think I never left…I mean, I tried to leave him and I said I was fine without him but maybe it wasn’t true…I feel really bad when I think of leaving behind 8 months of my life, I also feel stupid to cry while he laughs with another guy but that shows how huge and honest my love for him is. If he doesn’t wanna see it, thats another issue.

-So, are you waiting for him until he wants to be with you?
No. Right now there’s no excuse he could put between us to be together but the fact that he is with someone else but if he doesn’t take me serious, I wont beg anymore. I love him but I still have some self-esteem and there wont be a third time waiting for him…

-What do you want right now?
What I want…I want to enjoy everything again. I wanna be with Oscar, I want to have a balance in my life that includes love (Oscar) family, myself, school, friends…etcetera  ♪ I just wanna live! Dont really care about the things that they say…♫


Apart from that, I’ll start teaching English tomorrow, I dont really know how to teach so I have no idea how things are going to be, I dont think its difficult, I think its all about confidence because if I dont feel sure of myself, I wont be able to teach anything…Finally, life is gonna make me see how it feels to be a teacher (the teacher of 2 guys but anyway a teacher)

And…I started writing a book! haha It sounds weird but I did! IDK if I will ever finish it but I started and thats good!


Thanks for reading!!
All comments are appreciated! (Even haters)

-Alex

“…I hope I’ll spend halloween and christmas with Oscar…”

 

P.S. I took rainy pics…

I cant see the rain but it’s in there…

raiiN1

Raindrops falling on the wet floor…raiiN2

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Tweet Tweet Twitter!!!

July 31, 2009 at 12:30 PM · Filed under Just Sayin' and tagged: , , , , , ,

Before really getting into twitter I opened like 2000 different accounts and wrote only like 5 things with them. Then I forgot about it because I was like…so what with this?? but now…I got back like 2 weeks ago and WooaH I love it now!!!


Why do I like Twitter??

Well basically I like it because its like a huge place where I can meet people from around the world and talk with them and other people can join our conversation.

☆ I can say whatever I wanna say it doesn’t matter if people like it or not…or if they care or not…

☆Sometimes I dont feel very into writing so I dont update my blog but with twitter is like…my little blog.
Its like having a diary in some way.

☆ If I have something to say I just tweet it and people read it..and if there’s a way of helping, they help..

☆ If there’s something that I dont care, I just dont say anything about it!

☆ If my friends miss me, they can know what Im doing or where I am because I can tweet directly from my cellphone! 

☆ I can share a new place I just found or I can get info about certain topics before everyone else.

☆I also like it because it makes you feel you’re closer to your favorite celebrities, when they tweet, it feels like they’re telling it to     you, and if you are lucky enough they may answer!          Thats why I love @lajosa!

☆ Twitter also have like tons of third party apps that make the experience even better! 
Share pics, videos, 12 second videos, funny quizzez etc…

      My Twitter Buddies Wrote Why They Like Twitter:

              @JulianMarin: Im new in here, I’ve been tweeting for like 2 weeks and Im a #twitteraddict. I like it because it a direct       connection with artists. Also because you get to know a lot of things like blogs, news, websites, channels, press..Everyone             have twitter so you get to know things before everyone else and I like to know that a lot of people is reading what Im                         doing, It makes you feel good :p

           @SORLAK15 I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT’S LIKE IF I COULD TALK WITH A LOT OF “FOOLS” FROM ALL AROUND THE     WORLD…WAIT..I DO THAT. HAHAH

 

So Just go to Twitter and get your account!! Its fun, Its easy, It does not take 1 hour to update..etc… Its Great!

Loving U All…@aLexZiipiiT

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Break My Heart I Expect You To…

July 29, 2009 at 1:20 PM · Filed under Just Sayin', Life and tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

Ohh life… What a wacky thing…

These past weeks have been FULL of ups and downs, Im about to turn 18 in like 5 days and Im so happy…I hope this new “era” is going to be better than 17…well..17 was super but part of this year ruined it a little bit.
 

Anyways a lot of things happened these past weeks and by a lot I mean..A LOT! 
First off I started school…This time I’ll do my best I swear. Right now I feel Im doing ok…I learned a lot of maths in like one week and Im about to finish a subject! Loves it! 

I also cleared my mind to understand that Oscar would never do something for me so I decided to just let him go…and surprisingly, I dont feel that bad, I dont really miss him..I think that the cherry on top was when he told me things that got me really mad well not really mad…SO FUCKING MAD! 
So when I miss him I remember all those things and I just get strong xP
I realized he likes to play love…so I dont wanna be part of that game. I like serious relationships!
And…I have a lot of cool friends to cheer me up! (And Starbucks is always availiable!)

So I have a message for cupid: Bring It On Bitch! Now I know people will break my heart so I wont give it away so easily!  

Ok so I think that right now I have to go upstairs and find a magician for my 18th bDay party!! (Or a Britney Impersonator)

And now…my hair is sooooo short! :’( Now I cant enjoy Hair by Ashley Tisdale! There’s no way to mess it up… hate it!
But I wrote a new song to enjoy..it’s called “Midnight Lollipop” It’s kind of cheessy and sexual hehehe  

Ohh and I have a new kitten!!!! Her name is “Pelusa” and Its soooo cute!!! 
Here’s her photo…
peLusa

Isn’t she super cute!? hehehe

 

So thanks for reading!
I’ll go and find some lollipops to play with!  

Have a great life and miss me!!
Fllow me too! @aLexZiipiiT (Over there is a link too –>) 

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